Daddy oh Daddy
Please smile for me once more.

Light up your big brown eyes
and let me know you are still the

strongest daddy;
the smartest daddy;
the funniest daddy in the world.

Most of all, let me know you are still
the Daddy who always wanted me
to strive better in life.

May God bless you my dear Daddy -
now and always!

~ May / Sandie ~
January 26, 2004

~~~ ^ ~~~

DAY TWO AT THE HOSPITAL:

He was really weak
Did not want to eat anything
I even went out to buy his favorite congee
He sipped three quarter of a bowl
The rest of the day he just drank water.

By day's end he wanted to hold my hands.
I let him hold my hands while he fell asleep.
We quietly left the room after he fell asleep.
The doctor had assured us to let Dad be
as pain-free as possible.

He is now frail and thin,
but in my mind he will always be
my good looking Daddy;
my strong Daddy;
my funny and smart Daddy.

I only wish I could take him to chinatown
for a twin lobsters meal once again;
and let him eat whatever he wants to eat.
I would be so happy if he ever gained his appetite once again;
then perhaps...I, too, will be able to smile once more.

OH PLEASE GOD, LET MY DADDY BE WELL!...

We went home silently through the snowstorm
. Mom didn't eat much either today;
but neither did I.
Nothing seems the same anymore
Mother is tiny and frail too now.
Much like Dad.

She seems to know what's happening
even though we didn't tell her much.
Perhaps she is in denial of reality.
But what can we say?
It is as painful as it is to her,
just as it is to us all.

~ May / Sandie ~
January 27, 2004

~~~ * ~~~

DAY THREE AT THE HOSPITAL:

"How do you feel?" Hubby asked.
I just nodded my head.

Tears of pearls came uncontrollable.
What do I care about how I feel?
I only care about how Daddy feels.

They said to keep him in the hospital
for a long time...until...

They said they would give him the care.
Yet, they took away all his pills.

I didn't see anyone giving him any of his pills.
Why are they not giving him the pills that he normally takes?

Nurse came to ask me for my phone number.
I don't care if she can reach me or not.
I don't want to hear bad news.

Daddy used to take many types of pills daily,
I was there for the whole day yesterday and today,
I didn't see them giving Daddy any pills.

Sister came from England to visit Dad.
She showed Daddy pics of her children,
and her grandchildren in her laptop.
Daddy kept staring at the screen.
Did not smile or anything.
I wonder if he knew who they were.

I gave Daddy one of my paintings to hang in the room.
He personally chose the one of the fisherman.
(the one in my other ID - Sandie Angel's BIOs page)
I'm glad he likes that one
for that is my favourite as well.

Daddy now knows I can paint
He told sis that my paintings have improved greatly
from when I first did my children's book
"Best Friends".
Daddy likes my book and my CD.

Sister probably won't take the news so well,
She has always looked up to Daddy.
I feel that whatever she does in her life,
she wants Daddy to be proud of her;
and she did make him proud.
She is very successful now.
I'm still struggling to be successful.

I wonder what "Success" means.
By what and whose standard?
A while back I had resented the standard
that my parents had set out for me;
now my only hope is that Daddy will know
I had at least tried to do better.

Daddy has been leading a good life so far.
When he was born he was the first son.
He was the apple in my grandparent's eyes.
He was a rich little boy.

After he got married and had the five of us,
his children all adored him
and treated him well.
He continued to do well until
during my teenage years that
he didn't do too well.

I did not know what had happened
but one person was pounding on our door,
asking Daddy to go outside and meet him.
I knew Daddy was in some kind of trouble,
but I was too young to know what it was.
I went to work to help with the family's finance.

My Dad's finance bounced back very quickly
as my sis graduated from her University and worked too.
We both surrendered our whole pay cheques to the family.
I did not mind.
I didn't need the money then.

Then Daddy was well again,
and Mom was able to brag about her children.
She still does.

I wonder how Mom feels now.
I didn't see her cry yet,
which was very unusual for her.
Does she know what Daddy is facing?
Has she wondered yet why
they have not given Daddy any pills? -
The ones he used to take on a daily basis?

I'm wondering about this too.

Where are my Daddy's pills?
Why are they not giving him the pills?
How does Daddy feels when not taking the pills?
Is he wondering about that too?
How is he feeling?

Where are my Daddy's pills?

~ May / Sandie ~
January 28, 2004

~~~ * ~~~

DAY FOUR AT THE HOSPITAL:

Daddy is tired today
but seems very alert.

Daddy talks very clearly, but with his eyes closed,
it must be because he was very tired.

He smiles occasionally,
remembers everyone's phone number.

Miraculously, Mom seems very strong today,
even though I know she must be tired too.

I give Daddy some dim sum, which I bought
from the Chinese bakery in the mall.

He takes a few bites and tells us it's "no good."
He still can taste the difference,

of the taste between the real Chinese food
and the westernized Chinese food.

So the rest of the gang - My Mom, my brother,
my sister, and myself - heartily eat them all up.

Daddy has also become westernized -
His taste bud has changed.

He used to hate and criticize hospital food,
but now he eats them and praises them;

and Mom…she always eats half of what he eats.

We finally had to tell Mom the truth;
when she tries again to nag Daddy to do everything.

We wonder about herbal treatments -
Is it too late to give to Daddy now?

After I had come home
I now realize that I have not told Daddy the good news:

1) Two of my poems – “Winter Tree” and “Insomnia”
are both published already in
"Northern Star" –

A departmental quarterly megazine and ebook
that reaches thousands and thousands of employees
within the organization all through Canada.

”Winter Tree” was chosen almost instantly;
and "Insomnia" was a second choice.

I’m glad that they had decided
to publish the two poems simultaneously.

2) My poem - "Melodies Of Love"
has now been chosen to appear
in the upcoming Spring issue.

I must not forget to tell Daddy
about the good news tomorrow,
he will be so happy about this for me.

~ May / Sandie ~
January 29, 2004

~~~ * ~~~

DAY FIVE AT THE HOSPITAL:

What does one want in life?
Harmony and money?
Good children and good friends?

Daddy has them all!

He has lead a good life so far -
Everyone loves him.
His children adore him…

He’s a lucky man!

Now he lay fragile in bed.
I hold his face between my palms.
He looks like a wrinkly baby in my palms.

Wake up Daddy!

It’s Sandie! Can you hear me?
I’ve got your favourite congee here.
It’s time for dinner.

His eyes are still closed.

He has trouble in breathing.
His chest is all congested.
So I push him to sit up with my hands.

I hold his hand.

He opens his eyes a little bit and looks at me.
I assure him everything is going to be alright,
that we will give Mom the best of care.

I feel his fingers tightening around mine.

I help him to lie down again;
positioning him comfortably.
I love you Daddy!

You better know it now!

I know you can hear me Daddy.
Sorry I have not loved you more in the past,
But you know in my heart you are my Daddy, my world…

and I will always love you!

~ May / Sandie ~
January 30, 2004

~~~ * ~~~

DAY SIX AT THE HOSPITAL:

Daddy:

How can one describe my feelings?
I know I could have loved you more.

I'm guilty of not loving you more
like a good daughter should.

I know, nothing I say now can
ease my pain and yours.

Why didn't you tell anyone, Daddy?
Why didn't I see this coming?

~ May / Sandie ~
January 31, 2004

~~~ * ~~~

DAY SEVEN AT THE HOSPITAL:

I wish to go back in time,
to when I was a little girl;

then I would know how much love
that I wanted to give you.

I would bring to you my heart of love
filled in a golden cup full of happiness.

I would have known that you are my Daddy
and that you love me too.

Please don’t be restless Daddy!
I know you love me too.

As you strived to push your head toward me
I whispered into your ear and told you of my love.

I gave you gentle kisses on your cheeks;
assuring to you that I know you love me too.

I saw you opening your eyes for a moment;
and knew that I was really there to tell you this.

I guess you must have been satisfied,
for you suddenly had calmed down and fell asleep.

You were still sleeping like a baby
by the time I left around 7:00 p.m.

I’ll see you tomorrow again Daddy,
and we will chat some more.

I have lots of love to give to you!

~ May / Sandie ~
February 1, 2004

~~~ * ~~~

DAY EIGHT AT THE HOSPITAL:

I keep seeing Daddy the way he used to be.
I keep seeing him sitting on that special chair,
Leaving through the TV guide
Then surfing through the channels.

He loved to watch all kinds of sports.
I believe Tennis was his favourite.
And then the Canadian Idol Ryan Malcolm
whom Daddy liked so much - he still does.

He would watch that show "American Idol",
taped it, and then watched it again some more.
He could watch that show all day.
Sometimes he thought the judges weren’t being fair.

He had also watched the World Idol
in which Kurt Neilson has won his title.
I’m appalled at both Ryan’s and Kurt’s talents
They are both so good.

One thing good about all this is that
Daddy finished watching the whole show
From beginning to end before he fell ill
and had to go to the hospital.

Daddy, I can see that
our Canadian Idol Ryan Malcolm will go far.
He is very talented, and you can bet on it that
we’re all rooting for him.

And I’m rooting for you too, Daddy.
You are a real fighter in live.
Even though you have lead a good life.
I know there were some occasions you did struggle.

Life is like a roller-coaster.
It has its ups and downs.
You too, have fallen many times, but
then again you have bounced back so quickly each time.

This is “The Art of Living” that you have taught us.
We have learned this art from you so well.
Never was there a moment that we have felt despair -
Whenever we fell, we always managed to get up.

You are always the strongest Daddy in the world!
You are my “Daddy Idol”!

~ May / Sandie ~
February 2, 2004

~~~ * ~~~

DAY NINE AT THE HOSPITAL:

Daddy hasn't eaten or drunk anything
for many days already.

It is extremely difficult for me to see
my Daddy this way.

Right now seems like all he can ever do is to breathe.

Sis got into an argument with the nurse yesterday.
Today she has an argument with the doctor.

Will Daddy die today?
I don't want to lose Daddy yet.

I want to keep Daddy alive forever,
both in my memories and my writings.

Daddy is so strong even after so many days.
Sis is having doubts about the doc's decision.

She's taking it so hard
She loves Daddy the most all her life.

She seems extra sad and upset today.
After she argued with the doctor.

I'm afraid to stop writing here,
will Daddy die if I stopped writing here?

~ May / Sandie ~
February 3, 2004

~~~ * ~~~

DAY TEN AT THE HOSPITAL:

Daddy had a good bath this morning –

Daddy got washed from head to toes;
He lay there refreshed and cleaned,
he must have felt very comfortable.

Mom said that when he was at home,
he always bathed himself everyday.
Sis combed Daddy’s hair in order.

Daddy still has a lot of dark hair,
and then some grey ones.
He had always been very healthy.

He was very energetic -

Mommy and Daddy would go
everywhere by themselves, even when we didn’t
have the time to take them anywhere.

Too sad that no one had seen it coming -

Toward the last few weeks we didn’t even realize
Daddy had lost much of his weight.
He had bundled up himself well with layers of clothing.

I should have known.
I must have been stupid not to have known.
Why have I not been more observant?

I remember one time after dinner
I weighed myself on the scale,
and decided that I should lose more weights.

Then I turned to Daddy and asked,
“Daddy, how much do you weigh now?
Do you want to weigh yourself on the scale?”

At the time he replied,
“Ah! I don’t weigh myself anymore.
I’m not worried about anything anymore.”

I said, “That’s good attitude Daddy, and
I think you’re just fine now?
Now I feel so stupid to have said that.

I can still see him sitting on that chair
at the dinner table replying to me.
Gosh! I hope he will forgive me..

He would never allow anyone to think less of him.
He always wanted to be the smartest and the best.
He always wanted to be the strongest Daddy.

One week after he arrived in Toronto Canada.
He went downtown Toronto with my mother,
But then got lost in the subway system.

He made my Mom promise not to tell anyone
that they had got lost, he wanted to be the smartest Daddy.
Of course, Mom had broken the promise and told us.

I also can still remember Daddy’s writings -
These Chinese characters, they are always so nice and neat;
each looking like a square, fitted into a square-shaped box.

Then Daddy would align these characters vertically;
forming straight lines from top to bottom of the page.
His words often show his strength through his writings.

He was simply the best!